My four mothers

Mother’s Day was yesterday. With it comes a tremendous sense of gratitude for the profound influence of those women whose influence has been that of a kind mother. Because of that influence, I am going to take a moment in this blog to share some of my thoughts on how the mothers of my world have helped me learn to prize both style and substance.

First I wish to acknowledge Shelby Gould, whom I called my Summer Mom. During the summers of my pre- and early teen years, she was constantly on hand. My two best neighborhood friends, Donald and Tamara, and I spent countless hours running around our street in small town Utah, swinging wooden swords, broom handles (that we imagined as lightsabers) and riding bikes that would change from horses to star fighters. When weather prevented our outdoor gallivanting, my Summer Mom allowed us to take over the entire downstairs with Lego’s and action figures and play sets galore. She frequently included me in activities as though I were one of her own, including the inevitable clean up and yard work. She also fostered an appreciation of all types of music, music that became part of the soundtrack of my life. She helped solidify in me the ideas of responsibility, of following through til a job was done. She was a woman who influenced me in the pursuit of style and substance.

Second is Kathy Garff. Kathy is the wife of Bob Garff, the man who was my mission president while I served a mission for my church in England. She became my Mission Mom. She was always on hand to offer a smile, a hug, and the encouragement that I so desperately needed when I was thousands of miles from home. She always spoke to me of my ability to handle challenges, of the greatness of my heart, and of the way that my smile, my laugh, and my musical gifts brought joy and hope and peace to everyone around me. I was often lonely during this time of life, but she had the uncanny ability to find me in my loneliness and refocus my attention on others, and on the gifts that I had and that I could give that would help them bear the burdens of their lives. She was a woman who influenced me in the pursuit of style and substance.

Next is Christie, my angel wife. When I first met her, I found her attractive. As I grew to know her better, I found her intoxicating. During the ensuing years of our marriage, nothing has changed. One day during the early stages of our relationship I had occasion to see her with a child, babysitting for some friends. Her gentle handling of a tired and overstimulated two year old was mesmerizing. Being an only child, little children were something of a frightening mystery to me. I had no framework for things like temper tantrums, changing diapers or even how to help a little child get dressed, but Christie handled it all in stride. I fell even more deeply in love with her at that moment, knowing that she would be a wonderful mother. And she has been, to each of our five children, at each stage of their growing up, balancing firmness with gentleness in the most beautiful of ways. Gratefully, she has extended the same blessing to me. She has encouraged me in the chasing of my dreams, my gifts and my service to others at every opportunity. She is a woman who influences me in the acquisition of style and substance.

Of course, my own Angel Mother is foremost in my pantheon of these loving and supportive women. From my earliest memories of listening to me sing, play the piano, tell stories, and build science fiction toys from Lego’s, stray pieces of wood, cardboard and masking tape, she has always been there to encourage me. From the darkest times when I wondered if I could endure another day of difficulty and sadness, the mere thought of her could give me reason to carry on, to hope, and to try once more. She has been an example of patience and faith in the midst of illness, sadness, and the impartiality of life’s challenges. She never let me avoid the difficult tasks, however, and frequently she played the role (uncomfortable for her, though it may have been) of disciplinarian and Guardian at the Gate. She was clear about what was right, what was wrong, and how choosing wrong in any degree would lead to unnecessary heartache and pain. She was constant in her encouragement of accepting responsibility and following through on a promise. She was the first, starting me on the path to understanding and championing a life of style and substance.

While I have spoken about the way that each of these women embodied and encouraged substance, make no mistake. They all were women of elegance and grace, each in her own way. They all knew how to make a home beautiful and welcoming. They all knew how to dress with an eye to being classic and timeless, but also to be aware of the trends and delights of fashion. They each guided me to being more than a brute, to appreciating refinement and the arts at least as much as I enjoyed roughhousing and outdoor adventuring and games.

I said earlier that Mother’s Day brings a sense of tremendous gratitude for their influence. I must admit, along with that gratitude has come a portion of guilt. The guilt is borne of a feeling of not having quite measured up what I imagine my mother’s wished for me. And while I doubt any of them
would say they feel the same, I am grateful that my journey is not over. I still have time to grow, to change, to more fully become a man of style and substance.

In the meantime, I thank them for the encouragement, their support and their love. Happy Mother’s Day to the four mothers of my life, and to mothers the whole world over! We who seek to be men of style and substance are in your debt.

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Style – A Sense of Consistency

As I talk with men, and sometimes with women, about this blog, I often see smiles. Those smiles are sometimes accompanied by comments like, “Well, I wouldn’t have any need of that. I don’t have any sense of style.” Never mind that such an individual could frequently benefit from a little blog like mine (or any of the others out there that address similar topics). No, what really concerns me about those types of comments is the clear fact that such an individual has confused style for fashion.

I see that all too often.

Perhaps I can take a moment in today’s post to describe what I see as the difference between Style and Fashion.

Let’s start with Fashion. According to that great repository of wisdom, the internet, Fashion is defined as “a popular trend, especially in styles of dress and ornament or manners of behavior.” The emphasis here is on trends. Current trends are considered with the Fashion, or fashionable. Trends that are either too new to be widely adopted or were considered fashionable in times recently past are subsequently considered unfashionable. And, as many of us know, to be considered unfashionable in some circles is to be considered irrelevant.

Contrast that with the concept of style. As we have indicated in this blog in the past, style can be identified as “A way of behaving or approaching situations that is preferred by or characteristic of a person.” This sense of style is somewhat independent of fashion.

For example, earlier in my life, denim jackets were considered a useful and fashionable element of a man’s wardrobe, especially if that man spent a considerable part of his life outdoors and working with his hands. During that period of time, I acquired a denim jacket that was somewhat fashionable.

Immediately I began to adorn it with embroidered patches. The patches came from all sorts of places. I received some as gifts from friends. Others I purchased. Some were specific to the space program or military organizations, while others were reflective of things I enjoyed like racing, entertainment franchises and travel. Putting patches on my jacket immediately made it unfashionable. At least at the beginning.

As time went on, it suddenly became fashionable, in some social circles, to have a patch jacket. At that point, I became quite fashionable.

At least until the jacket began to wear out and become threadbare. After all, embroidered patches were fashionable, but functionable patches are still considered quite unfashionable.

And I couldn’t have cared less.

You see, the idea of a patch jacket for me, or even the material of the jacket involved, was not important to me. I wasn’t trying to be fashionable . I was cultivating a personal sense of style, and that style was characterized in part by making my casual clothing distinctive of me, my interests, and my experiences. The clothing was functional, but it was also a carefully cultivated expression of what was important to me.

And that is style.

Now, there is a definition of style that refers to a sens of sophistication and elegance. Those who have read this blog for any period of time will recognize that I am also an advocate of developing that type of style as well. In that case, the style we are speaking of lends itself to a sense of substance, of appreciation for what I call “time and place conformity.”

Allow me to share an example that serves as something of a case in point. I am a firm believer in the idea that every man should own a tuxedo. But I am not a strong advocate for following trends or the dictates of fashion in the purchase of a tuxedo. Instead, I advocate a classic cut and fit. Lapels that are neither too wide nor too thin, notched instead of peaked. A shirt whose pleats are neither noticeably wide nor outrageously decorated. Pants tailored to fit with a conservative break and neither too full nor to tight. In short, a tuxedo that is likely not fashionable because it is timeless.

This sense of style is what embodies elegance, and it is wholly in step with the cultivation of both a sense of substance and a sense of personal style, because it can be accessorized with touches that come from the man’s personal style. For instance, the cuff links I wear with my tuxedo are very much in keeping with my earlier descriptions of my personal style. Whether I wear the Millenium Falcon ones given me by a student, the Michael Kors ones I bought on a trip to NYC, or any of the ones given me by my wife and children.

Gentlemen, cultivate your personal sense of style. Learn to describe it, champion it, embrace it, and recognize that, while there will be times that the fashion is in step with you, there will be many times when you may be out of step with it.

And your confidence in those moments is what can make you a man of style and substance.

Notes from a conference

This may be the longest post I’ve ever composed. It is made up of thoughts that came to me while I was attending a recent work conference. Few of these ideas we’re entirely new, but all of them made it into my scribbles from the two day conference. Enjoy!

• We need to become more interconnected in our teams.
• Power is unleashed when we commit to people long term.
• If there isn’t a plan for keeping promises, they probably won’t be kept.
• Taking ownership for the work is how outcomes are influenced.
• When a person is passionately connected to his or her purposes, overcoming the little stuff along the way becomes easier.
• Harnessing trust requires understanding.
• original thought during convention everyone is talking about how important it is to develop trust, but no one said anything about how to go about it. . . what about t

  his

• T
  – transparency
• R – Relationships
• U – Understanding
• S – Service
• T – Time
• An individuals mood or state of mind influences communication patterns more than almost anything else.
• It isn’t selfishness to spend time doing what makes us happy, it is attitude protection.
• The most important skill is the skill of developing new skills (this is obviously my thought that was triggered by something that someone was saying at the time).
• To accomplish something more than you have ever done, you must become someone bigger than you have ever been.
• Purpose turns a job into a career and a career into a calling
• You don’t move out of your comfort zone; you expand it to include new things.
• If you want to go fast, go alone; If you want to go far, go together (African proverb)
• When a professional shares, there is almost no difference between what they share individually and what they share in a group
• The fact that one impacts another is not proof that one could only be impacted by that other
  .
• Just because your contribution may be less visible does not mean it is less valuable.
• The most potent poison in the world is a hateful, ungrateful attitude.
• Information is the beginning of planning. We must not only be brave enough to gather information, we must also be brave enough to question and understand all the implications of our information.
• It matters, you are an actor, take pride!
• One can be phenomenal. One can do amazing things. But as amazing as one is, one is never as powerful as many.
• The difference between a professional and a specialist is the willingness and ability to something extraordinary.
• When people have all the facts, most of the time they react positively.
• The influence of one is multiplied by time and space as others share how they were influenced.
• We may never know what will stay in the minds and hearts of others, but we do know that two things can affect what they might be: repetition and simplicity.
• Others may not remember everything we say, but they are quite likely to remember how we treated them.
• Dynamite comes in small packages!
• When it comes to family, I’ve never known someone who regretted having (another) child, but I know a lot of people who regret not having another child.
• Resist the temptation to define yourself or others by limitations. Instead define yourself and others by aspirations and the efforts made to realize them.
• While it takes all of us to make a positive experience, it only takes one of us to make a horrible experience.
• Directionless passion is annoying and exhausting. Directed passion is energizing and infectious.
• Great coaches are masters at asking questions, and listening to the answers.
• Great coaches use sensible directness
• Great coaches seek clarity
• Great coaches challenge paradigms.
• Great coaches have integrity in their actions and their intentions.
• The manager gets to the end result by informing. The coach gets to the end result by questioning. — Eric Juhlin
• Authenticity is the doorway to trust. Is there a difference between being genuine and moving to the lowest common denominator?
• What if I was being treated like a valued contributor and appreciated patron at every interaction?
• What if I treated everyone I dealt with in the same way?
• Do we treate our students the way a customer is treated at Tiffany’s?
• Products attract attention; service keeps involvement.
• Information acquired but not applied is undervalued.
• If you cannot balance your own emotional roller coaster, how can you ever hope to help another with theirs?
• Growth or fixed mindset – we are all on a continuum. People operate from fixed or growth mindset perspectives.
• It’s a lack of faith that makes people afraid.
• It’s just as bad to have an inner dialogue running when trying to listen to someone as it is to interrupt them at every turn.
• Failure is a temporary event, not a permanent label.
• The best version of you is when you are happy. That is the time we are most likely to help and serve.
• Service is a key to joy. Purpose makes service meaningful

What it means to be AWESOME!

Words are tools. Like all tools, when used correctly they are extremely useful. When used incorrectly, they can inadvertently cause considerable damage.

Why am I starting with this? Because I want to talk about the word Awesome and, more specifically, what it means to be awesome.

Earlier today I sent a text to my son. He had not been having a great morning, and going to school for him has been difficult, even on the best days. I wanted to insert a small moment of hope and happiness into his day. As part of the text, I told him “I hope you have an awesome day” It took a while for him to respond, and when he did, I gave him an additional note of “You are awesome.”

As I contemplated the exchange, and the lack of communication back to me (typical of teenagers in high school, on lots of levels) I wondered if he and I see the term in the same light?

Awesome is defined by the online dictionary as “extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear,” and “Informally, extremely good; excellent.” I think my son and, coincidentally, much of the population at large use the term in its informal sense. We use awesome to describe things that are extremely good. They aren’t singular, they are extremely good. They aren’t earth shattering, they are excellent. In fact, based on popular usage, they might be just extremely good in the moment. It is not unusual to hear that a band or a performer has an awesome video or that they did an awesome job on a particular song, or even a part of a song. It is not unusual to hear someone say that a meal is awesome, even if it is just a burger or a chicken sandwich.

Because of the frequent use of the term awesome we may, as one of my friends recently put it, diluted to impact and meaning of the word.

This may all be true, and may also help to inform my sons silence when I sent him a text saying he was awesome.

But I believe he is.

I believe that his capacity for growth is “inspiring of admiration.” He is “excellent” at whatever he puts his mind to. He overcomes things that, perhaps, may be considered to be “daunting.” He approaches things that sometimes make him “fearful or apprehensive” and he meets them head on, making progress toward handling those situations.

Doing all of that makes him awesome.

I believe that part of being a man of style and substance is using words thoughtfully. I am not encouraging the use of the word awesome in place of all the other words or phrases that can be used. I am not saying that the only adjective that we should employ in our conversation is awesome.

I am suggesting that being thoughtful about the word awesome may come in one of two ways.

First, we may choose to adopt the informal use of the word as a focused word of encouragement.

Second, we may choose to use the word more judiciously, saving it for a moment of significant effort and progress.

However, in either case, I am trying to remember that the word awesome can be used to describe the inner progress that one is making or is striving to make as much as it may be more frequently used to describe the outer results that occur.

Going back to the conversation that I was having with my son. He is struggling. But he is awesome!

Every day he faces a highly competitive, results driven situation, the likes of which can feel exceptionally daunting . Like many, he is struggling to keep moving forward in spite of apprehension and fear that is somewhat inextricably connected to living in a fast paced community with constantly changing guidelines and expectations. And in spite of all of this, he is really good at finding humor all around us, at finding things to laugh at all the time.

That makes him awesome.

I hope I can be awesome like him.

Compassion, a mark of a substance

Recently, I participated in a ritual of the American Public Education System known as Parent Teacher Conferences. In this ritual, parents who have had to take off from work meet for a brief few minutes with a teacher who is anxiously waiting for the time to expire so they can go home. Most of the time, the parents participating in the ritual are only doing so because their child (my youngest son, in this case) are struggling in school.

For the most part, this ritual went fairly well for us. My wife and I met with all of our sons teachers. All of them said roughly the same things: smart kid, quiet, participates when asked, stares off and easily distracted, just needs to make up missing work and all will be well.

All of them, that is, save one. That one said similar things, but not the same. He complimented us on the work that we were obviously doing to help our son, complimented us on being at the conference. He did acknowledge that making up the missing work could help his grade, but rather than talk about how we could all work to help our son see the value of the process, he spoke without compassion, defending his position of punishing our sons poor performance in his class.

As I said, all the teachers acknowledge (as did we) that our son is having problems with school right now. We didn’t justify those, nor did we ask any of the teachers to make special arrangements to allow our son to answer to a different set of rules. My wife and I have both been educators, and we know how challenging it is. We know our son is not making things easier.

But all the other teachers spoke with compassion for our son, and for our predicament.

Compassion is characterized by a sympathetic demeanor for the challenges of others. Most of the teachers that have been watching our son struggled had compassion for our situation, and they also manifested compassion for our sons. They acknowledged that the classes are difficult, that not every child does well, that many are struggling, and that this time of transition is a challenge for even the best and brightest students. They acknowledged that the diversity of information being covered, the breadth and depth, can feel overwhelming. And they acknowledged that, because of high stakes testing, it is unfortunate that some students get steamrolled in the need to cover information for the majority.

They had compassion for us and for our son.

In turn, we had compassion for those good teachers, trying to help open our sons awareness to the fact that he can accomplish more than he knows if he will just apply himself. We had compassion for them in the fact that our son is just one of many students that are likely having similar struggles and that not all parents are as involved in trying to help their child figure things out and master the process.

All but this one teacher.

To be fair, perhaps he has been burned by trying to act with compassion in the past.

Perhaps he is just tired of feeling like he needs to be the one to adapt.

Perhaps he feels like every time he acts with compassion he is taken advantage of, or the lesson is not learned, or some other negative outcome is foisted upon both the student and society as a result.

Perhaps.

I’m trying very hard to not hold against him his inability to show compassion for my child. (I couldn’t care less whether he has compassion for me or my wife). And I am also trying to learn the lesson of compassion anew in this situation.

As a man of substance, compassion should be part of my stock in trade, a primary tool in my conceptual EDC.

In my experience, most people who act in a contrary manner toward us do so because they feel they have been wronged, poorly treated, or in some other way minimized by others. When someone feels wronged, that individual has two options open to them: Be sad (which is often interpreted as weakness) or be mad (which is a show of artificial strength). Because mad (screaming, yelling, throwing things, tantrums) is not often acceptable in civilized society, a more subtle form of scorn and disdain takes its place. And when an individual is acting with scorn and disdain for others, there is no room left for change and growth.

Hence, my need for compassion.

Compassion defuses anger, in all of its forms. Compassion opens the door to change and growth. And since men of style and substance are champions of change and growth, compassion should always be found in the way we act toward others.

I am working to show this teacher compassion.

I hope he will be open to change and growth as a result, and perhaps be open to showing compassion to others in the future.

Sadly, I think it may be too late for my son.

For him, we will have to try other solutions.

Three thoughts on getting in better shape, the style and substance way!

Many people use the New Year as a time to make changes and set goals. Often those

resolutions for change and goals center around health and fitness. Typically these range from, “I will eat better,” to “I’m going to improve my PR in my next marathon by 20 minutes.” My personal experiences are not significantly different as I have made resolutions and set goals around my health and fitness as well. Mine are built around being more aware of the steps I take to foster health (eating better, drinking more water, moving more, etc) and setting a particular goal (a mileage goal for cycling).

What does being a man of style and substance mean when it comes to fitness? Does it mean having the best clothes? Does it mean attending the premier events and being ushered into the VIP tent, being showered with gifts and SWAG? Does it mean being the most fit man in the neighborhood, with the lowest body fat percentage and the most defined six pack? Does it mean being the one in the neighborhood that can be counted on to work out every day, without fail, regardless of the rain, snow, sleet, hail, temperature, natural disasters and anything else that might get in the way of ordinary humans?

I don’t think so. I think being a man of style and substance means that I remain thoughtful and intentional in my choices, and that applies just as easily to the world of fitness as it does to anything else. It is about cultivating a sense of continuity and confidence in the way that I approach every day.

When it comes to fitness, I’ve used the ideals of style and substance to help me in specific ways. I offer these thoughts in the hopes that they might help you too.

Buy apparel and gear thoughtfully. Style gurus are often involved in making us aware of the latest and greatest options available to us. Every designer is always releasing new material, new collections and new items. Ostensibly, as this applies to fitness clothing, these new items, materials and collections reflect a deepening awareness of how to get the most value from the exercise we do. In reality, new items and collections are released to drive sales increases. After all, once you have a pair of compression shorts, you don’t need to buy new ones until a) the old ones wear out or b) there is an advance in the technology that improves the workout.

When I started running a decade ago, I spent almost a year buying gear. Shoes, shirts, shorts, socks, if it was running focused I probably bought it. I bought running nutrition belts, gloves with key pockets built into the palm, jackets with removable sleeves, hats with ultra wicking headbands and cooling mesh. Some of these purchases made my running more comfortable and effective. And some of them were just purchases made because it reinforced my fascination with running.

And then, I found that I had too much stuff. I had purchased one too many sweatshirts, and I started giving things away. I had purchased one too many pairs of running tights, and two of them sit in my drawer, doing nothing. I entered races and got so many technical shirts that the ones I was wearing to run in started overwhelming my living space.

Long story short, I have made a decision to buy thoughtfully when it comes to something I need to work out in. Sweatpants may not be the most flattering, but they sure are nice to run in on cold mornings. A new sweatshirt may be nice, but if my current one isn’t worn out, could I put that money toward better socks or shoes? I’m not advocating against purchasing, I’m advocating for purposeful purchasing. When I need something, I buy it. When I see something cool, I store that information away for later, when a replacement of my current equipment is called for. And when I just want to upgrade equipment, I make a trip to the local charity donation center or to another runner beginning the fitness journey.

Share the journey, share the fun! Exercise is a dirty word. But play, now that’s supposed to be fun, right!? Well, I have tried to replace the idea of Exercise in my mindset with the word play. Running is a type of play. Cycling is play. And when I play, everything is better. But playing alone is not nearly as much fun as playing with a friend, or with family.

Currently, my wife and children do not share the same playful interests and intensities that I do, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t find ways to play together. For instance, every morning, we use an app called FitDeck to guide us through a short work out. It is not so aggressive that it will make us Olympic ready, but it gets the blood moving, and we do it together.

Finding ways to play together makes everyone better, contributing to our sense of substance. And the way we do it, with fun and panache, contributes to our sense of style!

Progress, not perfection. This one is the hardest for me to remember. I started the current phase of my exercise journey 17 years ago, when I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. I had to change everything about my view of what it meant to be active. Golfing included walking, not using a cart. Weight workouts needed to become consistent, not sporadic. Little adjustments, including some around diet, became the rule as I found ways to make progress a little at a time.

In the first little while, the progress was visible and quite dramatic. Then it slowed, and measures of progress became harder to find. But, with a little time and a supportive network of friends and family, I have been able to reframe my view of activity and healthy.

However, I must still remain vigilant against the unrealistic perfection that always hovers nearby. My body fat % is better, but I don’t look like the comic book idols of my youth. I run, bike hike, but I don’t compare myself to the videos that I see on YouTube. I am seeking progress, little by little, consistent and constant. And that allows me to always have more goals to hit and confidence that I can hit them.

I hope these three ideas have been helpful.

Go Forth and Conquer!

Accountability: Being a mentor

My last post dealt with my feelings about accountability to a mentor, to my mentor, and how I think things might be different if I were to try creating ways to be more accountable to this wise, kind man of style and substance. I spoke about the power of urgency, and the interesting relationship between urgency, accountability and performance. In this post, I want to continue discussing this theme, but this time I want to approach it from a slightly different angle. I want to talk about the role of being a mentor.

During my life and career, I have been a type of mentor to a great many people, men and women, young and old, mostly in informal situation, but occasionally in formal ones as well. I have been humbled by the nature of the relationship. There are few relationships that bring with them such complete and total trust than a genuine mentoring relationship. At times it seemed that the person who was looking at me as a mentor would do anything that I told them to do, regardless of whether it seemed rational or not.

I have also seen the absolute chaos that emerges when the mentoring relationship is treated lightly by either member of the relationship. I have watched as people have tanked careers, giving poorly thought out advice or counsel. I have also watched as advice was thoughtfully given, but not received with an open mind and a trusting attitude. I have watched people hold back from truly engaging the relationship, thereby cutting themselves off from the value of the relationship. I have also watched as chosen mentors tried to run from the relationship, being unwilling to take on the responsibilities inherent in the role. Watching all of this, and being part of some of it, has brought home to me the reality of this statement: Mentors can make or break careers faster than anything else.

With that in mind, and with the awareness that some who are reading this blog may find themselves soon in the role of mentor, either in a formal or an informal situation, I offer the following guidelines that have served me well.

It is about the person being mentored, not about you. Occasionally you will hear someone say, “I had such big dreams for them! They could really have gone far!” Often this is used to express our helplessness as we watch someone settle for less than their potential. But when it comes to mentoring, I have found it wise to remember that it is all about what the mentee wants. Do they want to grow in particular directions, develop particular skills? When I have questioned the critical nature of those skills, I have tried asked questions and shared perspective. However, I have also done everything in my power to help the person pursue what he or she wanted, not what I thought should be wanted.

As a mentor, the primary responsibility is looking out for the interests of the person being mentored. Yes, that means we need to take seriously the responsibility of advising the mentee regarding blind-spots in thinking so as to not miss opportunities for growth and improvement, but the choice of direction and the final decision for milestones, direction changes and goals for completion rests with the person being mentored.

You don’t need to know it all. Sometimes when working with people in a mentoring relationship, I have found myself squirming in my seat when I have been asked a question that I didn’t know the correct or complete answer. Anyone who has been in that situation can relate to the feeling of utter helplessness and complete vulnerability that comes with it. In such a situation, the temptation to theorize an answer or indicate knowledge when none is known can be almost irresistable.

But in this situation, a man of substance and style must remember guideline number 1.

If everything in the relationship is about the person being mentored, then giving anything but the very best counsel and advice is a betrayal of that relationship. Honesty and truth are paramount, and as scary as it might be to admit a lack of knowledge or an incompleteness of knowledge, it is far preferable to the damage that can be done by giving bad information.

I remember one time I found myself in this situation. My charge looked at me and asked a question, a question about which I had some information but which I felt my knowledge was incomplete. I took a moment, looked my mentee in the eyes and said, “I don’t know how to advise you on this. Let’s gain some information on this topic together. Here’s what I know as a beginning point.” The person thanked me for my candor and honesty, and we made a plan for gathering information and coming back together to talk about what we found. And while it is absolutely true that the person I was advising was disappointed that I couldn’t streamline the situation more completely, it was far preferable to the alternative.

Another alternative that I could have taken in that situation would have been to say, “I’m not sure I have the depth of knowledge that you need for this particular situation. Let’s find someone to connect you with that does.” Again, perhaps the individual being mentored would prefer to get information from me because of a pre-existing relationship of trust, but the best way that I can protect that relationship is being honest and using all my wisdom and resources (including my known network of professionals and other mentors) to help in the best way possible.

The reality is that, in many situations, there won’t be much change in the action taken and advised whether we know tremendous amounts about the situation or not. And that brings us to guideline number 3

Don’t do anything for your mentee that they can do for themselves. The mentoring relationship works best when the mentee does most of the work.

I love Star Wars! (Tangent coming, but trust me, this one will relate.) Growing up, I idolized Luke Skywalker. I wanted nothing less than to be a Jedi Knight, and not just because of the lightsaber. The Jedi were an ideal to be lived up to. Luke had two mentors that guided him, Yoda and Obi-Wan. Both Yoda and Obi Wan did amazing things, but most of the time when it came to doing things for Luke’s growth, they asked questions, responded with appropriate answers, encouragement and challenges and allowed Luke to do the necessary work himself. Remember the tree? and the X-Wing, and the jungle training?

There were things that Luke needed to know, but the biggest thing that he needed to know was that he, Luke, flawed and imperfect as he was, could do what was required of him.

And that is really what mentors do for us. They help us learn how to do what is required of us. They point us in directions, challenge our assumptions, encourage us to do more and celebrate our accomplishments with us.

That is a short list of the guidelines that I use for being a mentor. I hope that helps you in your quest for Substance and Style, and i hope it helps you help others.

Go forth and Conquer!