Try these 5 things to be a sexier spouse!

Being attractive is something that dominates our thoughts collectively.  Our culture seems obsessed with trying to look younger, fitter, better dressed, better accessorized or better employed not because these are good things in themselves but because they make us more attractive to the opposite sex.  

It is neay impossible to check out of the grocery store without being bombarded  by magazine cover stories that promise the secret answer to the all-important question, “How can I be more desirable?”  Women’s magazines or  men’s magazines, it doesn’t seem to matter.  The old adage, “sex sells,” certainly seems to be true, judging by the magazine covers.  

The Internet is filled with articles like this as well.  Click bait, as it is often called, leads to articles which are often only thinly veiled sales programs for supplements, intimate toys or some other solution that promises to solve the problems of boredom in the bedroom and missing marital bliss.

And today I’m guilty of it, just as much as the next writer!

But hopefully you will discover that, while my approach may be the same old same old, perhaps the information I share is less sensational and more substantive with an eye to crafting better relationships.  You see, I think the sexiest individual is one who forms a meaningful connection with their partner.  So, here are 5 things to help men become sexier to their spouses.

1.  Do the dirty jobs.  Taking a cue from Mike Rowe, take the time to do the truly dirty and disgusting jobs around the house.  Clean the toilet, if not the whole bathroom.  Take out the garbage.  Vacuum a room or two.  Do a load of laundry, including her laundry.  And do this regularly, gladly,   And if possible without being told.  This is a measure of shared responsibility and can go a long way to helping your spouse feel like you are her partner, not simply her provider or protector who must be cared for.  And partnership is sexy.

2.  Listen while she speaks.   Not when, while.  Women and men process information differently, as multiple studies and books have indicated.  For many women, speaking is a useful processing tool. Regardless of male or female, when an individual speaks the things that are going around inside the mind, they become more real.  It allows the speaker to evaluate the sanity or craziness of the thoughts, both those leading up to the the thought and the thought itself.  But keep in mind, this is for the benefit of the speaker.  Any nearby listeners are not expected to comment on the thoughts unless invited.  Listen, but wait to be invited before contributing. 

3.  Touch her in loving but non-romantic ways.  After several years, much of the touching between a husband a wife seems to move into one of two categories.  It is either the incidental and perfunctory touching necessitated by sharing space or the habitual goodbye-don’t-forget-your-keys-see-you-later daily life or the hasty and less than frequent romantic touching because the kids are asleep early for the night. These are both healthy, to be sure.  However, my own experience has shown that other types of touching, like holding hands in the car, giving a full and somewhat lingering hug or a spontaneous and short rub of the shoulders when she is feeling tense can be valuable.  They can go a long way to letting her know you are concerned for her, as a partner and person, and not just as a sexual partner when the opportunity arises. 

4.  Notice what she does.  This is reminiscent of the first suggestion, and may give you ideas of the dirty jobs that you should do.  Have you ever looked to see what your spouse does through the day?  Whether she works a full time job or not, she is likely the most involved between the two of you in the tasks of keeping house.  Frequently a simple “Thank you,” when she has done some menial and routine task can go a long way to helping her know that you value her contributions to your shared home life.  And a person who knows their contributions are valued is more likely to feel valued personally as well.

5.  Tell her you love her, often!  Not just after a romp in the sheets.  Not just as you leave for the day, as a quick “luv you!” And not just with cute emojis.  Those are all good and fine, but they shouldn’t be the only times that a wife hears her husband say “I love you.”  She should hear it often, regularly, and in a meaningful way.  It should be something that we say not just out of habit, but thoughtfully and with gratitude, as a way of acknowledging that she has chosen to spend her life with you as her most priceless gift.  And if she hears you talk about loving a sports team or a car or a favorite power tool more than she hears you say how much you love her, you may not seem as sexy to her as you used to.

These are just a few ideas.  There are more.  Books and articles abound on the topic, as I mentioned earlier in this post.  But these just might be a good starting point.  And unlike most of the rest of the suggestions that you see around the Internet, they won’t cost you a dime!

Go Forth and conquer love your spouse.

Breaking Up Ice

Recently in Utah, like many places across the United States, we have seen some magnificent storms roll in.  Last week, as the storms began to wane, I heard a radio report indicating that we had received as much snow in the month as we normally receive throughout the entire winter season and then some.  Along with the snow came shoveling, an activity which I have come to dread.  

On one particular night, my youngest son shoveled prior to my coming home and then together we shoveled again.  Shortly after that, the plow came along our street and deposited a small snow berm between our driveway and the street.  It was late, so my son and I looked at it, mentioned how glad we were that it wasn’t as deep as it could have been, and went to bed.

The next day, instead of digging up the berm, we just drove over it, packing it down and turning previously light and fluffy snow into hard pack.  over several days, this hard pack turned into a sheet of ice.  It was then that I realized that I had made an error, and I enlisted my son’s help in correcting the problem.

We took our two sturdiest shovels and some snow melt crystals and went to work.  And bone jarring work it was.  I took time to teach him the best techniques to break apart the ice sheet, now several inches thick.  The chunks broke apart in a somewhat satisfying display of manliness and brute strength.  After nearly an hour, with the ice diminished but not completely gone, we halted our work for lunch.

Now, several days later, I can’t help but think how much that experience is like so many other things in life.  I often find myself looking at tasks that seem easy, so easy that I put them off for later, only to realize that the best time to have taken care of them was immediately.  When postponed, easy tasks somehow become harder, more challenging, often needlessly so.  By postponing 15 minutes of easy work for another time, we sometimes make for ourselves hours of backbreaking work at another.  

In physical tasks this is easy to see, but it is also true in relationships.  A word of comfort or an apology postponed because it feels awkward may wind up inadvertently communicating disdain or indifference.  And then, the chance to offer support in the future may be summarily rebuffed or ignored. 

I don’t know what my son is learning from this little exercise.  I am learning two things.  The first is that the best time to take care of a problem to advantage of an opportunity is earlier rather than later.  The second is the importance of really good ice melt.

To my son: 5 things to remember about your first job!

Hey son.  I have been thinking about you a lot during the past few weeks, especially now that you have your first job.  This will be a powerful experience for you, and it is important to handle it wisely.  So here are 5 things that I have learned over the years that will help you do just that.

1. Take it serious.  You are being trusted with specific reaponsibilities.  Money is changing hands because of what you do.  You are representing other people in every transaction, every exchange.  Dont treat it lightly, take it seriously and recognize that what you do either helps the business or hurts it. 

2.  The business is you. Some of the people you work with won’t understand this, but whatever hurts the business ultimately hurts you.  For instance, if the business loses customers, the ability of that business to keep you employed may be impacted.  While the fate of the business may not hang on each transaction you handle, the fate of the business may be impacted by the cumulative impact of all the transactions you handle.

3. Your reputation will precede you. The way you do your work will become your reputation, and whether you want it to or not, your reputation will precede you in future efforts.  Employers talk, both inside and outside the company.  You may see this job as a low level, low importance position, but you never know where your next supervisor might come from and who he or she might have been friends with in the past.  

4.  Attitude is everything.  A huge part of your reputation is how you approach your work.  Companies are always looking for people who have positive attitudes, because those people are easier and more enjoyable to work with. When faced with a challenge, positive people say , “Let’s figure this out.”  They complain less, realizing that everyone has difficult stuff to deal with, and that complaining never helps.solve a situation. Positive people are also the ones who typically are given more opportunity and responsibility.  You probably won’t  be happy all the time, but if you can cultivate a strong sense of positivity in the face of challenges, you will be seen as an indispensable asset rather than a necessary evil.

5. Have fun!  This kind of goes along with number 4, which is true.  It may also seem like it flies in the face of number 1, which is definitely not true. Having fun is about enjoying the little things along the way.  I’ve worked some miserable jobs in the past, but I always found a way to both take my work seriously and still have fun along the way.  

This first job will be full of new experiences.  Enjoy it, hold up your head and be grateful for the chance to work, to contribute, to earn your place!  And if you remember these 5 points, the experience will be a good one both now and for your future.

Empathy and Respect

In the wake of the inauguration of President Trump, I have found myself reflecting in the state of political discourse and engagement in the US, and perhaps by extrapolation, through out the world.  That reflection has lead me to a singular conclusion: we are failing.

Let me be clear.  I’m not on the bandwagon of “America is a failing nation, just look at our exporting of jobs/ increase of social ills/ widening income gap between the super rich and the middle class,” etc. No, I think we are failing in that we seem to have lost our ability to engage civilly around ideas, contradictory positions and mutual values.

Civil engagement, to me, has always meant that the issue was forefront, that the outcomes of action or the consequences of inaction were central to the discussion.  Civil engagement meant that the personal characteristics of the individual putting forth an idea were set aside so that the merits of the ideas could be discussed and debated.  In our day, this seems more of will o’the wisp of whimsy than a standard to be pursued and protected.

The latest political cycle here in the US certainly sems to show just how far we are from this goal, and I’m not talking about the sound bites from the major candidates in their various races.  No, I am referring to the way that we, the people, are using social media, particularly facebook, to belittle, demonize and dehumanize any and all who hold opinions contrary to our own.  Further, it is becoming increasingly clear that this behavior is not limited to a single party or special interest group.  This behavior seems to be much more wide spread, and name calling and vitriol seem to have become acceptable replacements for civil dialogue.

Please don’t misunderstand.  I am well aware that mud slinging has always shown up in politics for as long as people have run for office.  However, it seems in recent years that it has been elevated to the primary tool of politics rather than an unfortunate aspect of politics, utilized only when one has reached a point when an impasse has been reached.

There was a time, and not so long ago, when mutual values drove politial action.  From our founding fathers attempting to wrangle a clear defining line between the role of government and the role of the individual to our modern era where energy and tax policy drove heated discussions of economics, the issues seemed to remain centered around the good of the people of the country.  And while spin doctors and community organizers might be interested in defining them in the narrowest of terms, cooler heads in times past encouraged us to think of our larger identities, not as members of political parties, but as participants in a process of governing. And, at least in my eyes, it is impossible to see clearly on an issue if the only thing we hear are words that reinforce our own biases and self-serving conclusions.

After listening to the President’s speech, I pulled up a TED talk where the speaker encouraged the audience to consider empathy and respect when engaging in political discussion.  I, for one, intend to take this advice to heart and model it, as best I can, in any engagement I find myself in.  

I plan particularly to model this when talking with my children about politics and the political process. I see that as my primary job as a family man and a man of style and substance. Empathy and respect may be the most critical tools in getting to sound fiscal, environmental and international policy and legislation.  And they are certainly vital in crafting strong and long lasting relationships.  And if I can help my family learn this lesson, perhaps we can begin to reverse the direction of political discourse away from failure and toward cooperation.

New Year, New Look, New Focus

Greetings!

I signed off from this blog around nine months ago now, and during that time, I had a chance to think about a lot of things.

I thought about the blog, its purpose in my life and in my interactions with the world.

I thought about what drove me to start this blog, and what caused me to question its veracity.

I questioned many of the motivational factors that drive my activity, both professionally and among my avocations.

I questioned whether or not the world needed this blog.

In short, I questioned everything about the wisdom of keeping this project going.  In most measures, it is easy to identify this as clearly a hobby.  I am not reaching a wide audience.  I am not being recognized as a result of these posts as any type of expert.  The time that it takes to produce a quality post takes large amounts of time away from other ventures, and I really began to wonder if it was all worth it.

During all of this time, I had several candid discussions with my family, especially my adult children, about the blog. I shared with them some of how I was feeling, some of what was making me wonder if this was worth any time.  And as we talked about things, I found myself getting some answers to my questions and concerns.  And most of those questions revolved around the focus and ease of access on this blog.

I began this as an exercise in writing about finding adventure in everyday life.  I believed then, and I still believe today, that while journeying far beyond the boundaries of home can lead to amazing and once in a lifetime adventures, one can find adventures close to home.

I later began to wonder at the number of men’s magazines that were directed at helping men enjoy nice things, enjoy the good life, but few about how to enjoy nice things while living wisely and on a budget.

Still later, I began to take notice of how many parenting magazines seemed to be focused on helping mothers be better homemakers but few were dedicated to helping father’s be better heads of households.

All of these realizations drove me to change the direction of the blog.

But they also caused me to wonder how to respect and represent them all in my posts.

I have come to the conclusion that all of these ideas, from intelligent adventuring to being a wise head of household, are wound up in what I am calling The Everyday Dad.

Everyday dads have to put on their best every day and go to work, giving their best in pursuit of goals and objectives that are often not their own, in order to provide income and stability for a family.  Often they do this in partnership with a spouse who also needs to work and toil outside the home just to make ends meet.  When the work day is done, the everyday dad comes home and works to handle some projects around the house, like painting or car repairs or home maintenance.  He often tries to play with his kids and share with them some of the appreciation that he has developed for a sports team or a particular performer or the lessons that he has learned along the way ofhis experience in daily life.  Finally when the kids are asleep, he strives to be a lover to dedicated spouse, often also exhausted from the second shift of shared househould duties.  In some cases, the everyday dad works a second job (as I have through much of my married life), an experience which makes all of the other activities that much more stressful and precious and precarious.

But everyday dads are also funny, and passionate, and dedicated, and want to give their family nice things, pleasant memories and a bedrock of values to guide them through the difficult times that are sure to come into their lives.

My children helped me discover this about myself.  And that is the journey that I want to now share with anyone who wants to read.  Likely it will be a small audience.  But small or large, antagonistic or supportive, share I will.

I will share the mundane, the practical, the exciting and the transcendent.  I will share the funny and heartbreaking and the inspiring and the melancholy.  I will share the things that make me a better everyday dad and the ways in which I fall short.

I’m going to add some pages to this blog, hopefully in a way to combine some of the other blogs that I have been working with in the past.  Perhaps one day i can manage several blogs, but right now, managing one is plenty difficult for me!

I hope you enjoy the new journey.  I’m grateful to have you along!

Changes come to all

Over the last while, I have been struggling somewhat with this site, the purpose behind it and my reasons for writing.

The idea for this blog grew out of a response to the number of men’s magazines that talked about style, fashion and issues that matter to men, like career and fatherhood from a perspective that I felt was flawed.  While all magazines in this category are designed around advertising and marketing the latest trends and designs in fashion, I felt too little time was spent talking about things that most everyday father’s were concerned about.  Namely, stretching a budget by making lasting purchases rather than blowing it on trendy purchases, trying to pass on values and wisdom to children and learning to appreciate the world as a fine and beautiful thing rather than chasing around for what civilization has deemed to be “the finer things.”

I have enjoyed this journey, and I think these issues are still relevant, but my focus has changed somewhat, and I think it only fair to be clear about it, even if it will only be for my own benefit.

I have realized that I want to blog about more things than the original narrowly defined topics.  I want to explore ideas about sustainability, cycling, music, art, family, adventuring, travel, and so many more topics as they appear.  I want to begin playing again with other writing forms, like the ocasional haiku or lyric poem.  I want to write about the rugged and the refined and not feel like I have to figure out whether it is an issue of style or substance.

So that’s what I intend to do.  If you have followed this because you loved my articles on  building a wardrobe, they will still appear.  If you have been intrigued about my perspectives on teaching values to my children, those will show up too.  But so will a myriad of different things, things that I value, things that are part of my personal journey through life as I struggle to become a man my children can be proud of, my wife can be fond of and my friends can enjoy spending time with.

And I think that is what being a man of style and substance is all about.

Summer’s waning days

August always makes me contemplative.  It is a time of both endings and beginnings, preparing for a new school year while squeezing the last bits of unbounded liberty from the warm days.

This year I feel more contemplative than most.  Political and idealogical strife seem completely out of control, while, at the same time, my children seem optimistic and hopeful of the future. 

I find my contemplative mood is most positively impacted by time spent surrounded by the beauty of nature.  It changes with a kind of grace that I desire to emulate.  The approaching season is embraced without while the ending season ia clu g to with just the right amount of tenacity.

Surrounded by such beauty, my own contemplative mood remains hopeful and keeps from becoming melancholy.